Cape Karen
A friend and I are doing an online book club discussion together, based on the book, "The Disease to Please" ~ written by the late Harriet Braiker, Ph.D. (My friend is a world-class, full-blown, active people-pleaser and I am a 10-year, recovering people-pleaser.) As women, we were prone to this 'disease' simply by our gender and cultural expectations. Raised to be "nice" and trained to never show any angry feelings, we fell right into the thoughts, feelings, and compulsive behaviors of people-pleasing. (This is by no means a women-only disease. There are plenty of male people-pleasers, too - but they are usually referred to as Type A personalities, or as "workaholics.")
In order to begin to recover, we PP's have to discover and identify what our own needs are ~ before we can stop ignoring them. This is not easy. Needs? What needs? (How about some personal time, some "space," some time to just "be"? How about a whole day off to do whatever we want?) Oh - those needs ~ guilt, guilt!
At this time, S. is caring for her husband who is battling late-stage prostrate cancer. She has discovered that she can't tend to his needs and still continue to do everything, for everyone in her life. Understandingly, she has hit the proverbial DTP wall. Years and years of people-pleasing has left her exhausted, depleted, and frighteningly over-extended. Her many friends, and her large family, have been well-trained over the years to depend on her.
Now, she is caught like a fly in a spider's web; and, sadly, it's a web of her own making.
Because S. has taught others ( yes - we do 'teach' people how to treat us . . . ) to come to her with their needs, wants, demands and expectations, they are still doing so - and, with A. so sick, she can no longer find any reserves within herself to meet their many needs. She is suffering greatly because of this. So, we are embarking on this journey to try and reclaim S. ~ before she becomes ill herself, or has a breakdown. As a recovering PP, I can only offer her some hard-won insights and a few basic suggestions - it will be up to her to go from there, using this wonderful book as a guide.
It might seem moot to be working on this issue with S. while she's caring for her ill spouse, but she is so over-extended, and so overwhelmed, that to do less right now would be to court personal disaster. She desperately needs to carve-out some 'down time' for herself ~ by erecting some personal boundaries. To be 'all things to all people' right now just isn't an option.
Unlearning old habits doesn't come easy, but with Harriet's advice and suggestions, we're making some progress. S. was able to say "no" when her sister called trying to invite herself to come over for tea the other day; she took a much-needed nap instead. Her older sister (B.) has a habit of making her feel terrible, by saying cruel and insensitive things to her, and it just drains her energy. (She described it by saying, "I often feel like I've been sprayed by a skunk after being in her company.") So, I'm really proud of her for saying "no" to B. and for sleeping for an hour, instead of feeling obligated to entertain her. "Round of applause!"
In examining this tendancy to overdo and over-extend ourselves for others, it struck me that a good trait (caring about people) can become a terrible trap, if it's taken too far. Perhaps it's born of an insatiable need to be needed? Perhaps it's a way of trying to control others, so they won't ever get angry at us? Perhaps we don't like ourselves, and need others to tell us how wonderful we are ~ because of all the things we do for them ~in order to bolster our poor self-image? Whatever the root of the problem, that it is a problem is not in question. Somewhere along the line, our general "niceness" becomes contaminated by the DTP, and we set our feet on the path to fatigue, stress, over-work and unrealistic, lofty expectations of ourselves.
I'm enjoying our book discussions, and I'm learning a lot about myself, and about my friend S., in the process. S. gave me many loving doses of positive-affirmations when we were neighbors ~ and her kindness and support helped me to heal from years of parental abuse and neglect. It's been really good to reconnect with her, and to be able to offer her some support and encouragement during this difficult time.
Maybe this is called. . . "paying it back ?" . . . I hope so.
