Cape Karen
Now that I have entered my 60th decade of life, I have been thinking about all the things I could have done ~ had I known then, what I know now. I've been realizing all the things I would have done and, given 20-20 hindsight, what I should have done differently. But, alas, one can't turn back the clock and change what was.
However, one can blog about it!
First, I have to go back to the 1950's and 1960's and remind you that in those "olden days" women had few good role models for aspiring to exciting career choices. The media gave us television housewives and mothers, like June Cleaver and Lucille Ball; and women past the age of twenty-five, who were not married, were considered to be in danger of becoming "old maids." Yes, they actually used that phrase back then and many people would look askew at a 25 year-old unmarried woman, as if she had some hidden personality flaws, or bad breath. "She's not married yet . . ." they would whisper.
Typical female careers back then were: becoming a nurse, a teacher, a secretary, and, most importantly, a housewife and mother. A married woman who worked outside the home, while raising a family, was considered radical and rebellious. "She leaves her kids with a babysitter ~ all day long!" they would remark with great chagrin. Even college-educated women, those who didn't go to nursing or secretarial schools, usually went into teaching. Un-college-educated women went to work for a bank, a clothing store, a restaurant, or a business like the electric or telephone company. Going to beautician school and becoming a hairdresser was always an option, but that was at the bottom of employment food chain, and was looked 'down' upon back then. ("Bad girls" became hairdressers, and a male hairdresser, well. . . that hasn't changed much, thweetheart.)
What a strange world it was back then - lots of unspoken rules, and a whole lot of "what will the neighbors think?" It made for very limited female aspirations. The most sucessful woman in my day would have been a school principal. Imagine that, a woman in a position of power in 1960! (Your father's Aunt Edna was a school principal, one of the best in New England I might add, but at that time, she was thought of as 'strange' and even considered 'masculine' ~ uh-oh, she never married! )
If I could go back and change my past there would be many, many changes I would make. I didn't know then that I was smart. I didn't know then that I had inherited some pretty wonderful talents, and that my artistic skills could have been a great career-enhancer. I didn't know then that anything was possible! "What a waste of a life," you might think? Well, no, because I did bring three intelligent children into this world, and I do have three, very bright grandchildren; so, perhaps, in this more enlightened world of possibilities, some of you will do the things I wish I had done.
If I could go back and change my life choices, there are also things I wouldn't undo - many things - but, I might have gone to college earlier than age 37. I might have studied marine biology and become a whale researcher, instead of studying human behavior and doing absolutely nothing with my two hard-earned degrees. I might have taken business courses, and opened my own business. I might have written some poetry, some novels and even some non-fiction. And, I would love to have been an archeologist and gone on world-wide travels ~ searching for dinosaur bones and wooly mammoth remains. Or, I might have become a National Park Ranger and traveled all over the world that way.
If I could turn back the clock, knowing what I know today, I wouldn't have wasted one more minute of my life bemoaning my dysfunctional childhood. Instead, I would have pushed myself forward earlier, in spite of it, and used more wisely the inherent talents that were given me.
I spent some necessary time in counseling and healing, and I fortunately learned, during that time, how important it was to keep on moving forward, and how not to get too bogged-down in bad memories. As my wise counselor pointed out, with this ugly analogy, "The continual remembering and rehashing of unhappy events is like picking the scab off of a healing sore, over and over again ~ it will never be able to heal properly. Sometimes, he claimed, it's better to recognize it, cleanse it, and then just leave it alone to heal naturally." (So true!) It's called, "moving on."
As scary as it was for me, I moved on. Daring to go to college, as an adult, was the first major accomplishment for me, with my budding self-confidence. Getting my first of two college diplomas, at age 39, was truly a red-letter day for me, (shared by you) and it boosted my self-confidence even further. Divorcing your father was not a good day, but it was a vitally necessary move for me in order for me to continue growing as a person. I've never regretted that decision, because I can see even more now, with my 20-20 hindsight, how life-giving and necessary it truly was.
Yes, too much time was spent with my head stuck in my own navel, trying to figure-out how to undo what was done to me, or how to overcome what was not done for me; years of invaluable time that could have been better spent doing something more productive. I wish I hadn't been so self-absorbed, and paralyzed by my past for so long; it slowed me way down, took my attention away from you, and limited a life that could have been lived more purposefully ~ or, at least more interestingly!
But, yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery, and all we have is today . . . so, I would urge you to make the most of each moment you are given, however you can. Do something, anything, that will use your innate talents and skills. Continually pursue your heart's interests and desires. Life is precious, and there's only one you!
There are so many things that you can do with the rest of your lifetime. But, most of all, I hope you will realize that you have to 'animate' yourself ~ that no one else can, or will, do it for you. The bottom line is: no prince-charming, no friend, no guru, no counselor, and no parent can do for you what only you can do for yourself; we can lead, encourage, motivate, urge, plead and compell; but, any moving-forward, 'growing-up' actions are ultimately up to you.
Life moves fast - and it seems to speed-up as one ages. There are so many wonderful things to learn, to see and to explore on this magnificent planet. We only get one go-around, as far as I can tell ~ so, if there is a lesson to be learned from all my coulda's, woulda's and shoulda's, it would be that you would try to live fully in each moment. Don't miss anything along the way by having your eyes glued to the rear-view mirror. (You're apt to crash headlong into something dangerous ahead of you, if you're always looking back ~ so, try to keep your mind's eye focused on the 'now,' and on the road ahead.)
You have opportunities women of my generation could only dream of - so, please, use them to the fullest, and make your own unique contribution to this world.
Now, you'll have to excuse me ~ I have to go pack for my extended trip to the Amazon Rainforest.
(In my dreams!)